Christmas Humor

[Kizmet]

OK,,

Time to get it on. Post your christmas humor here:

Top Ten Uses For Fruitcake

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table/109.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.

Eggnog:

If you see a fat man ...
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it...


Your eggnog's too strong!

Little Boy's Problem

A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Author Unknown
Submitted by Bubba

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Why the Angel is on top of the tree:

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree

[barely8]

Posted in a different topic but fitting for here.

T'was the night before Christmas and all aircraft were grounded,
Our bombers in the hanger, Luftwaffe were grounded.
The aircraft were parked in the hangers with care,
In hopes that new sheep soon would be there.

The Dambusters were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of bald-sheep danced in their heads.
And Reddog with his scarf, and Charlie3 with his cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the airfield I heard they caught a spy
I sprang from my bunk to see with my eyes.
Away to the hanger this is somehting I won't miss,
I had moved too quickly and threw up my Guinness.

The moon on the breast of the newly delivered sheep,
Was something that could awaken all out of their sleep.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a new fleet of heavy bombers, and the Rats standing near.

With a little old Rat, unshaven with a croc
I knew in a moment it must be Doc.
More rapid than chugging a beer he could claim,
He whistled and shouted and called us by name.

Now Kizmet! now Main4ce! now Fuelpump! and Hiiamben!
On Thor! on Duke2! on Bundyrum! on Mevan!
To the top of the skies, and enemy RDP walls,
Fit 'em all "in the box", and destroy them all.

En route 'RTB' home we flew at last,
But what should appear...Chiefwo and Zacast.
They came to make us pay for what we had done,
But Sniper came along and tore 'em a new one.

As we landed our birds and climbed down the ladder,
The Dambusters exclaimed, "there is no one badder"!
To our tight-knit community let's keep the season bright,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night"!