A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear. It says "gets paid for sex." The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"
A young bloke is fresh in from the outback. He's never had a woman so he finds a hooker and she takes him up to her room. "Wait here a second while I go and slip into something more comfortable." She says. When she comes back he has all the furniture shoved up against the walls and is squatting naked in the middle of the room. "What the hell are you doing?!" She yells. The bloke replies, "Well I figure if it's anything like kangaroos, we'd better have plenty of room!"
BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A German inventor has angered animal rights activists with his answer to fighting the soaring cost of fuel -- dead cats.
Christian Koch, 55, from the eastern county of Saxony, told Bild newspaper that his organic diesel fuel -- a homemade blend of garbage, run-over cats and other ingredients -- is a proven alternative to normal consumer diesel.
"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Koch said. "I have gone 170,000 km (106,000 miles) without a problem."
The Web site of Koch's firm, "Alphakat GmbH", says his patented "KDV 500" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about 23 euro cents (30 cents) a liter, which is about one-fifth the price at petrol stations now.
Koch said around 20 dead cats added into the mix could help produce enough fuel to fill up a 50-liter (11 gallon) tank.
But the president of the German Society for the Protection of Animals, Wolfgang Apel, said using dead cats for fuel was illegal.
>An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night > > >>> > >having a beer. > > >>> > > > > >>> > >All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws > > >>> > his glass > > >>> > >in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. > > >>> > > > > >>> > >"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't > > >>> > need to drink > > >>> > >from the same one twice," he says. > > >>> > > > > >>> > >The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, > > >>> > throws his > > >>> > >glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to > > >>> > >pieces. > > >>> > > > > >>> > >"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make > > >>> > the glasses > > >>> > >that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says > > >>> > > > > >>> > >The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and > > >>> > drinks it, > > >>> > >throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots > > >>> > the South > > >>> > >African and Kiwi. > > >>> > > > > >>> > >He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Austraalia > > >>> > we have so > > >>> > >many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink > > >>> > >with the > > >>> > >same ones twice." > > >>> > > > > >> >
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"Fer fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
An Australian, a Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.
“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’†said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.â€
“After I screw my wife,†drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.â€
“Me?â€, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!â€
Read this to the end - Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them" - - - - A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation: American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?" South African: "Of course." American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa." American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" South African: "Of course." American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa." South African: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Of course we do." South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?" American: "Throw them away of course." South African: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."
